« November 11th, 2009 »
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I cannot abide fashion today.*

As a (guilty) watcher of Project Runway and the like, my dislike of modern clothing may seem like a strange admittance indeed. Yet I must confess. I must throw myself on the mercy of the court. It is true: I do not like fashion today. The clunky platform heels, the hideous overly-strapped sandals, the eighties-inspired lines and bizarrely-sculpted shoulders, the skinny jeans and the booties — oh, god! The skinny jeans and the booties! Enough with the skinny lollipop pants and the mutilated boots already! Where are the classically pretty shoes, the well-cut pants, the well-fitting skirts and divine dresses? Where are the well-balanced jeans, for crying out loud? Where have all the chic fashions gone?

I’ll tell you where chic fashion has not gone: it has not gone into the closets of my unfortunate middle school students. (Hey, remember when everyone in your middle school dressed exactly the same way for fear of the death-by-not-following-your-peers penalty? Well, the situation still remains that way, more or less: a somewhat terrifying study in fashion herdsmanship.) Instead, my students are wearing skinny jeans and screen-printed t-shirts. They form a throng of shortish Ramones, really, in varying degrees. Hear me, oh young onions:

Things to Remember About Ramones-style Fashion

1. The Ramones = Pretty Cool.

2. Dressing Like The Ramones Without Actually Being The Ramones = Look, You Are Clearly Not The Ramones, So Just Stop It Already.

On the upside, my middle school students are allowed to wear ballet flats, as well as the traditional Converse All-Stars and a varied range of kicky sneakers. They’re clearly faring better in the footwear department than adults — no strappy-platform studded-bootie nonsense in sight, thank goodnesspleasegod.

So, am I truly old enough to dislike modern fashion, bucking all trends and going in for style instead? I always knew this day would come for me, as it comes for all world-wisened individuals, but is it here already? Perhaps it is. Ah, well. At least I’m one step closer to staying comfortable-in-my-own-skinville.

* I suspect this realization/loathing has something to do with my lack of a fashion magazine subscription, and, therefore, my lack of overall fashion media indoctrination. By enlightened choice, I haven’t subscribed to any fashion magazines in ten years. If I ever do see a fashion magazine today, it is merely in passing, as in an office or a grocery store, and then it is with a loud “pssh” noise that I retreat.